Sleep is precious and rare these days. Because the boys share their room, if one makes too much noise, it wakes up the other and a vicious cycle is born. A few nights of that lead to an executive decision to retreat back to the living room for the sake of the rest of the household. Since waking early falls on my shift more often than not, I’ve had situations where I am unable to get the baby to go back to sleep and am simply starting my day at 2:00 or 3:00 a.m.
When I do sleep, the brainwork is frantic and fraught with chaos, fear, violence and despair. There is rest in it but not netting out as well as I had hoped. My mind goes to dark places and it wears on me in my waking hours. I’m glad to be back on my medication because it takes the sting out of whatever’s going on at the moment.
To say I’m under stress is putting it lightly, but I’m going through a pretty hectic time in my life. It feels proportionate to my scheduling decisions and is therefore tolerated, as I have no one to blame for it but me.
My mood is garbage though. I’m overwhelmed and stretched thin. I snap more than I should and I have to do a lot of apologizing. The joys of my life are my boys. Our little family, now complete, is just the happiest thing ever. I’m trying very hard to overcome the garbage brain nonsense that’s getting in the way of my happiness. To be mindful in the moment and present to enjoy it is all I want in life.