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The day after the video of four hospital constables beating a patient in their custody, two men at a gas station near my home were confronted by a state trooper following up on a suspicious vehicle call. The details of their interaction aren’t clear, but what is known is that one of the men opened fire on the officer, who later succumbed to his wounds at our hospital.

After the man shot the officer, he fled to his parents home where he holed up for almost a whole day. The standoff resulted in neighborhood evacuations, schools in lockdown, and the general sad pallor in our small state increased exponentially as we all waited for this to be over. When it was, finally, the suspect was dead, his father’s home destroyed, and pretty much everyone in Delaware was talking about it. My heart aches from the drama and the horrific nature of the events. I don’t want to post more about the easily-googled information. I just want to get my feelings about it written out.

I know that the irrational part of me is feeling like there’s no hope left in the world, that no matter what, the evil in people will always win out over love and hope. That same part of me wants to leave this state, move back to PA and hide out in a quieter part of the country where nothing like this will ever happen again. I’m scared for myself, and my family, and there’s not much anyone can say to me to take that feeling away.

The rational part of me knows this is just part of life, that crime happens everywhere, and we are no exception. My logical mind knows that because we live in a small state, the impact of events like these is even more shocking because of its proximity to home. I know we shouldn’t flee just because some crime has happened. I mean, crime happens around us all the time. Nowhere is truly safe.

I’m not sure which part of me I like better right now. Both perspectives are equally frustrating and depressing. I just feel yucky and there seems to be no end in sight.