Really. It may not seem like it to anyone else. But man, I am busting my ass hard these days. I am in a work situation that I can’t control much of or leave, so I’m left with the alternative of finding ways to deal. Yes, I borrow heavily from my buddhist texts, extinguishing self, ego and desire, simply to endure another 8 hours before I can go home.
Yeah, I do okay at work though. In fact, just last week, I got validated on a major complaint I had with a colleague that my boss took care of eventually. But the victory was hollow, because I knew my colleague would bring some sort of retribution for it, and the thing she was doing to irritate me may in fact become part of her job in the future. Fine. Remove desire. Remove ego. Remove self. It is just business. It is not about me. It is only what it is.
I’m strained though. Trying so hard to figure out if I’m going in the right direction is emotionally exhausting. My purpose is so hard to discern, but the only thing I know is right is to raise my son to be better than this. It is my hope that he doesn’t end up with the same doubts and anxieties that I battle, but perhaps has the confidence and self love needed to establish himself as an autonomous, kind, loving human being. But each day we move forward, I have no idea if I’m doing it right. I’m just doing the best that I can.