I’ve been in therapy for nearly my entire adult life. My dysfunctional upbringing is something I blog about often. In the moments where I feel like I’m finally normal, it’s easy to forget my damage and blend. But then the moment passes and I realize I’m trying to do just that. That’s when my depression is the hardest to cope with.
My compulsion to heal is to keep my damage from hurting the people around me. The reason the cycle of dysfunction and abuse continues is that we fail so have awareness of the impact it had on others.
We go out in search of monsters to slay only to realize the monster was in us all along. Do you follow through and slay it? If you don’t, know then in whose interests you truly set out for in the first place. If you do, you martyr yourself for the sake of the common good. That the world would be better off without you. That the lives you touch are better off not having known you. That at best you were an ineffectual consumer of resources but at your worst a cataclysmic disaster that destroyed the beauty that surrounds you.