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I have too much emotion vested in what I eat for lunch. I sometimes will buy up to three individual options, just in case one doesn’t work out. Yesterday, I bought a pretty predictable turkey wrap (came with bacon, lettuce and cheddar) and grabbed a side of hummus, because pretty much any crappy sandwich can be salvaged by slathering hummus on it.

I try to be more aware of it, but I went out for lunch today and pulled the same nonsense. I totally ordered three items from the sushi take out place because I truly wasn’t sure if anything would be good. Of course, I vet my regular restaurants pretty well, so the fear is usually unjustified. Still, I’m constantly afraid of being hungry, and feel very uneasy if there’s not plenty of snacking options around. 

I’m also a compulsive over-orderer in restaurants. I used to chalk it up to my eyes being bigger than my stomach, but really, it’s a true fear that choosing just one thing would leave me with no option if the dish sucked. I’ve never really had a weight problem, but this is a food fixation that definitely leads down that road. I’ve always had a pretty good metabolism, and a healthy appetite.

I’ve struggled with my hunger before, feeling focused on when dining out with friends and not wanting to be restricted for the sake of appearances. (Ladies are expected to eat practically nothing, for some ridiculous social reason.) I remember going to Taco Bell with a friend when I was in high school, and she ordered exactly one chicken taco. That was it! I’m like, um, we just had a major workout and I’m freaking hungry. I normally ordered like three things, at least. But I remember her reaction when I asked for so much. Totally disgusted with me.

Another time, at my first job out of college, I had already eaten my lunch at my desk, when I got invited to go out with some of my colleagues. Not wanting to be left out, I tagged along. I ordered a soup and salad, which was light. But one person noticed that I had already eaten, and gave me a similarly disgusted look at how I could stuff myself like that, I was totally ashamed. And so on…

But seriously, though, what person doesn’t have a complicated food relationship? And, my issues are really just the judgmental reactions of others superimposed on what I think is a healthy appetite. But still, there’s nothing worse to me than having a full meal and still feeling hungry. So, I try to plan ahead, and I have to swallow my pride when I get the two bags of crap at Wawa for the day’s feedings, or when I get sushi take out and they throw in extra chopsticks like I’d even consider sharing.