It’s been a long time since I’ve applied for a new job. Waiting to hear back has been nothing short of gut-wrenching. I hope to hear good news via phone, so every time I hear my phone vibrating in my bag, my heart leaps into my throat. The caller ID always belies the truth, that there’s nothing to get excited about.

I also expect to hear bad news via email, so while checking it more frequently than usual (500 times a day, rather than the usual 100), the loading circle in Chrome perfectly encapsulates the dread and anticipation of the unknown. Still, the inbox is filled with the usual subscribed emails and a few notes here and there, but no news. Yet.

It’s a terrible way to exist, in the limbo of just wanting to know the outcome, not wanting bad news, yet terrified and overjoyed if there’s good news. The possibility of getting this new job is the opportunity to have another “nut up or shut up” moments in my life, and as always, I’m approaching it with the same fear of whether I’ll be able to cash the checks my mouth has written.

But as I write this, I still just don’t have any answers. I’m sorry to keep you all waiting too, but hopefully by next week, I’ll have something new to report. In the meantime, please continue sending positive thoughts my way, and I’ll let you know as soon as a decision is made, mine or theirs.