This isn’t a real post, but I couldn’t help but share this with you guys. I check my wordpress dashboard religiously because every click on my blog validates me as a person, much more so than actual human contact. I get all the love the internet can provide with none of the actual ickiness of having to confront my social anxiety or leave the house.
Most of my blog hits outside of my usual readership are from my retired Draw Something Saturday features. But occasionally, my blog hits render some pure gold. Here’s one of the “top searches” that showed up on the blog:
Someone is apparently looking for not just a lady, but a sweet one. A very, very sweet one, it would appear. The extra very seems gratuitous, since the internet doesn’t really care how many times you add such a qualifier to the term sweet lady. I mean, are they looking for a little old lady, one to pinch your cheeks and give you some candy and tell you what a big boy you’ve grown up to be? Or are they looking for a sweet lady, like in Dude, where’s my car?, where the lady would not only be sweet, but so much so, that your friends would be all like, “DUDE!!!”
But if we delve further into this little nugget of joy, we can see that this person ONLY wants the sweet lady (caliber as yet undetermined) for the weekend. So, we can deduce that it’s likely this person isn’t seeking a long term very very sweet lady, but only a passing fancy, like renting a movie or doing a juice cleanse. It’s far more likely that this person is not seeking out a “very very sweet lady” for what I would charitably call chaste reasons. It’s likely, as with some of my other unfortunate readers who have punched in bizarre search terms into Bing (because Google would have no part of that nonsense) and come up with my lovely blog.
So, if you’re reading my blog looking for a hooker, so sorry to disappoint. It is my sincere hope that the post they found was so far out of the realm of what they were looking for that they decided to forego the internet altogether. The individual would likely walk away from the sticky keyboard and gaze headlong into the mirror at their sad face and greasy locks and say to themselves, “This is enough. There will be no more hooker Bing searching today.” The “very very sweet lady for the weekend” simply does not exist on the internet. You need to call an escort service for shit like that.