I feel like I’ve been sending out a lot of apologies this holiday season to the people in my life. The unfortunate truth that I’ve been trying to deny is that I’m going through another bout of depression that has made me bad company. I’m trying very hard to push through it, knowing that it’s been triggered by recent histrionics from my family and my own self-destructive thinking.
I am becoming aware of what bad company I must be, and it’s my defense mechanism to keep people away so I don’t do more damage. The unfortunate side effect of this is that by isolating myself, emotionally and physically, I just make my own symptoms worse. And so, the cycle doubles on itself again and it’s all I can do to drag myself through another day.
I wish I had energy to fight this war, but I just can’t muster it sometimes. Then the voices of the busy-bodies and contrarians in my mind set in and I begin to question myself, if what I’m doing is right, if it’s worth it, and if I should just give up, roll over and die. I feel disgusted with myself, that my white trashiness is deep that nothing I do will ever let me overcome it.
I feel hopeless, that I might never recover, that I’ll always be this damaged and I can’t keep it from harming the people I love. I feel helpless that my son will be affected by it too, in spite of my efforts. I am silent, storming quietly inside, concealing the rage, fear and self loathing, just trying to get through another day.