My heart hurts today. The well-lacquered veneer of blissful easy-going-ness is cracking under its own weight. I’m uncomfortable in my own skin. I don’t like myself very much at the moment. I’m not nice to myself or those around me some days. The difficulty of the task of simply behaving in a decent, humane manner is inescapably realized.
I stare at the computer screen, temptations and distractions from the reality I’m trying hard not to face. I can’t be the only person trying desperately to hold it all together. Can I?
Part of the endeavor is to learn how to let go. I’ve never let go of anything that didn’t have claw marks all over it. My failures all laid out before me like the massacred trophies a tomcat lays out for his owner after a night’s hunting. The brutality laid silent at your feet, his eager face turned up, awaiting your reaction.
The heavy weight of bad news compounded by more bad news never happens at a convenient moment. No one ever goes, “well, if ever there were a convenient time for one of life’s curveballs, this is it.” I just have to grit my teeth and gut it out another day.