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I’m not looking forward to going back to work. This time away has given me a chance to reevaluate everything. My entire world has been upended in the last year, the culmination of which has been this crazed experiment of staying home on maternity leave for three months with my son. I’m scarcely the same person I was when I found out I was pregnant. I’d like to think I’m better for the wear, but with even the most positive of transitions, there is difficulty adjusting to change.

The experience has taken its toll on me and there are days when I feel so frail and worn through, I’m amazed that I’m able to pull it together and keep on trucking. I’ve surprised myself though. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done and I’m managing, somehow, to pull it off. I dare to even say that it might be going rather well, that I am happy and my son loves me. His continued success, often in spite of the culmination of all my fears, is a testament that even a broken clock can be right twice a day, that I’ve somehow broken the cycle of insanity from my upbringing and am flowering into a good mother after all.

Still, these feelings exist in a vacuum. I’ve got to return to the emotionally toxic hell and there is no getting around that. I was hoping to see my general practitioner today to see about getting back on anti-depressants so I could be less emotional at work. I only managed to get halfway through the daycare drop-off without crying. I can’t be going into work with tears.

I called on the 25th for an appointment and they returned my call to schedule the same day. I put it right into my calendar on my iPad, since there’s no such thing as pen and paper with a baby in your arms. But when I showed up for my appointment this morning, they had no record of the appointment. The girl who took my appointment over the phone actually told me I had the wrong office, thinking I was going to see the dentist next door.

What was more irritating was that the girl didn’t even really seem sorry. I had to get my whole day scheduled around this appointment and won’t have another opportunity to reschedule until next week. Beyond that, considering how this whole conversation went, I’m wondering if I want to continue going to the practice anyway. I think I’ve blogged about this place once before. It was bordering on shady to begin with. So now I’m left with the option to try and find another family practice, which seems so insurmountable a task at the moment.