We are hours away from baby endgame. Having foregone his opportunities to appear on his own, my doctor has scheduled me for an induction beginning the evening before the delivery. The process includes using a device called a foley bulb.
If you want to google it, feel free. I’ll not be posting any pictures of it here, in case anyone wants to keep their lunch down. In the morning, they’ll begin giving me a drug that will begin the labor process. If all goes well, I should have my son sometime the next day.
I’m unsure how to feel at this moment. In a way, there’s some sense of relief. This long process will soon be over and, for better or worse, my son will be born and I’ll be a mother. The last day of being a ‘not mother’ has been anti-climactic. Beyond sleeping in and getting to eat a nice hot meal without worrying about another person the whole time, I’m not really doing anything differently.
For a long time, I was dead set against having children. I think that stemmed mostly from my experience with my own family. Having to be the adult in most of those interactions, at least emotionally, left me feeling like I’ve already done my fair share of parenting with none of the reward. Considering I had such terrible role models, I was gunshy on the prospect of caring for another living being.
I stumbled into the state of things with my family. Estrangement was not part of the original game plan, but it was something I considered if my boundaries would continue to be violated. While I didn’t expect to have to resort to it, the last two years of not having emotionally under-developed kin drawing the life force out of me has given me some perspective.
For the first time in my life, I feel like it was okay to care about myself and my needs. While the estrangement has not been easy, it has made me realize that there are certain things I’ll just never have. Some people can have the experience of a “real” mom, one whose words match their actions, one who’s not chemically dependent and in complete denial of such, and one who will legitimately care about the way their actions affect others. I didn’t get that, but I’m doing my best to ensure that my son will.