My dear blog readers, this post is an apology of sorts. I haven’t been entirely honest with you guys. I’ve been holding back, mostly out of a measure of self-protection, but also out of fear that by putting the words out there into the ether of the internet, it would somehow jinx things. But, in doing so, I’ve not been able to share a lot of what I’m going through, and I feel that’s been hurting some of my posts. It’s also going against the whole point of the blog, which was to have a place to put my thoughts and feelings down in a semi-anonymous format and out of my brain.

So, the big deal is that I’m pregnant. I’m well into the stage of fetus viability, so I feel comfortable sharing this with you. Some of my readers who know me IRL are probably feeling a bit of a let down from this anticlimactic announcement. I can hear them now, “Uh, yeah, you’re huge and I was just at your baby shower a few weeks ago. Tell me something I don’t know, like you’re giving birth to an octopus or something.”

It is a big deal to me. Mostly because I haven’t been able to enjoy my pregnancy like other women might. (Which seems like a ridiculous concept to me to begin with. I mean telling someone to enjoy a pregnancy is like telling the dude with in Alien to look forward to the parasite bursting from his chest at any given moment. Swap alien parasite for adorable tiny human, and the “any given moment” to likely to happen while driving your nice new car and ruin the interior.)

But, for me, there’s a lot of added factors that make it far less enjoyable. For one, I’m estranged from most of my family, and asking people to keep it a secret has been difficult to say the least. I wish I could post on Facebook that we’re expecting, and have people who I barely know “like” the crap out of it. Unfortunately, that’s not something I can do without tipping off some well-meaning relatives or friends who might accidentally spill the beans and set off the drama tsunami from my family.

So, while this is a wonderful event, something I’m very excited and happy about, I’m also sad because I can’t celebrate like other moms do. It’s out of protection for my child that I stay in this isolation. I put off posting about it here for so long for the same reason. I hope my readers can understand and support me.