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What is up with some people? I get it that your band/community yard sale/theatrical production/block party/charity fun run is important to you. It’s all that you’ve posted about for the last few weeks. Photos have been posted and tagged, statuses referring to how excited/exhausted/frustrated about upcoming said event.

Sure, from the safe arm’s length distance of social network, the person you knew in high school, college or sat next to on that really long layover is likable enough. But for impractical reasons, we don’t see much of them in person. Usually because most of the people in our social network live far away from us.

And yet, inexplicably, as the posts about said upcoming event crescendo, the inevitable invite shows up in my notifications. With an expression of mixed disgust and perplexed confusion, I try to dissect the logical reason why I’d be legitimately invited to an event that would easily require a six hour flight by someone who hasn’t directly communicated with me in almost a decade. I find none.

There’s probably a bulk “add all” feature when creating your invite list for your event. But even if I cared your event, which if you know me at all, as the introverted shut in that I am, I certainly now fester nothing but loathing for your utmost laziness in inviting me to your one woman play in Seattle, when you can easily see that I live on the east coast.

Similarly, blasting my inbox every weekend for your skeevy Poison cover band’s 11:30 p.m. show time in some dive bar four hours away is the quickest way to get you reported to the IRS for tax evasion and a dead rat in the mail. Because a simple unfriending isn’t good enough to deal with the offense that has transpired. You, sir, have violated the Internet and there must be consequences.

When these types of invites come in, nothing gives me more indignant pleasure than clicking No, nearly immediately. Because nothing is more equivalent to an electronic slamming of the door in the face of your proverbial door-to-door solicitation than the “oh hell no!” of the swift and immediate no I will not be attending response.

I almost wish there was a fourth option, something like, “are you effing serious? You do realize how ridiculous your presumptuous invitation is? Bitch, you’re keeping me from playing games on my iPod!” And, for more frequent offenders, a fifth link should be added, linking to some python care website which allows you the quick and easy possibility of mailing frozen rats by the dozen to said asshat.

In short, if you’re guilty of this, consider the level of engagement among your electronic friends. Invitations to the events in your life should be as well thought out for social media as you would select those for a dinner party in your home. To send an invite to a person you haven’t seen in years, which would require them to make extravagant travel arrangements to attend, for an activity that you’re not entirely sure they would enjoy, is an electronic slap in the face.

In the end, your event’s page will be filled with far more “Noes” than “Yeses” and your mailbox will be inexplicably filled with far more dead rats than even your hungriest python can handle. So save everyone the frustration and be thoughtful in how you pick your invitees.