It’s that time of year where we must examine ourselves. Following the aftermath of good intentions which we ambitiously set forth New Year’s resolutions for ourselves, and the inevitable financial evaluation of our tax filings, we lucky employed get the lovely “Self Evaluation” for the dreaded performance review.

The Self Evaluation is much like masturbation, in that everyone does it, it’s pretty embarrassing to go through an experience of self-flagellation, and the experience is even worse when you have to do it in front of another person, like your boss. For the awkward saurus, it’s difficult to convince others that she’s awesome, when she barely can muster the idea within herself. But, as we all know, when the almighty dollar is at stake, we’ll do things that are otherwise unthinkable just to keep a sustained lifestyle to which we have become accustomed.

Part of me wanted to tap the class clown in my silly brain and answer the questions in a humorous way. But, I hesitated because I didn’t want to jeopardize my potential salary increase and certainly would be stuck giving an even more uncomfortable explanation to the Human Resources person who probably has very little sympathy or sense of humor.

So I present the self evaluation as I would rather have given it, to you, my few readers, in the hope that the message in the bottle carries itself to a silly part of your brains and makes you smile.

On Organization:

I’m organized. Just look at how I totally showed up today, relatively on time, wearing appropriate work clothes. I even remembered to brush my teeth today. I parked my car in the appropriate lot, remembered my ID badge, login AND password. I didn’t have to write any of it on my hand either. I can list all of our team members’ first names without looking. This warrants a giant raise.

On Efficiency:

I’m so efficient, I already calculated how much money you’re going to give me extra this year. I’ve also taken the liberty of figuring out everyone else’s raises. Hint: you’re giving it all to me, and the rest of them can go cry in the corner. You’re welcome.

On Knowledge and Competency:

I know the shit out of stuff. Like not just work stuff, but other stuff too. I know all the words to “Soft Kitty” and the theme song for the “Golden Girls.” I can sing them for you, if you require further proof. To further demonstrate my competency, I have added the phrase: “Like a boss” to the end of all work related sentences in all outgoing correspondence. I feel this adds an element of extra awesome, like ranch dressing on a sandwich. I know you agree, because, well, I’m just so knowledgeable.

On Productiveness:

I produce. Boy howdy do I ever. I’m producing right now, even as you read this. I’m getting so much shit done, you don’t even know. I’m wasting precious production time going through this exercise however, and I won’t stand to waste any more of your time on something so silly as a self evaluation. Let’s go get some shit done and you can give me that giant raise. Ready? Go!