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While I still have yet to figure out a solution to my “how to trash a trash can” dilemma, I have come to realize yet another conundrum that has me wondering how I can feasibly solve it. How does one safely dispose of knives without hurting someone or looking like I’m trying to cover up a crime?

I am not a hoarder. I’m probably the opposite of one, actually. I go through and throw away stuff that I haven’t use or don’t need on a fairly regular basis, and yet it still piles up. For a long time, I would have things thrust upon me by people who either didn’t want the item themselves or who can’t “pass up a deal” and give me the latest infomercial garbage.

That’s how, I imagine, my set of TV knives came into my life. The infomercials always end with, “Call now and we’ll double your order” and that’s how I ended up with a giant knife block and about 20 knives of various sizes and labels. I use two on a regular basis. In a year, I probably touch about five total. There are some in the set, like the Sports Knife, for example. I imagine it was designed for cutting up fish that one catches for sport, hence the clever name. It wasn’t, as I found out, designed for cutting up sports pages, players or announcers. Sad face.

I have a cleaver in the set, but I’m afraid to use it. It’s the only item in the block that could remove a finger, and that makes me uneasy. Even looking at the knife, all heavy and smug, knowing that it could do irreparable damage, give me agita. It’s gotta go. But these knives, they’re not like the nice chefs knives you can buy at a reputable retailers. Even the ones I like to use are dull and frankly the duller the knife, the more dangerous it is. I just want to pick the ones I want to keep, and start over with a fresh set, one I actually pick out for myself.

So, the internets advise to donate them to Goodwill, but the one near me tends to look suspiciously at any donation, let alone one that could be a murder weapon. Besides, these knives are dull and come in a totally cumbersome block. It takes up valuable real estate on my counter, which drives me crazy. I’m considering putting them out front of my house like a box of puppies and mark them “To a Good Home.” I’ve also considered giving them out to trick-or-treaters next fall. But mostly, I’d love to corral the neighborhood kids and have them battle to the death with them.

I’ll probably end up following the most boring of options, which is to wrap them in cardboard by the blade and place them inside some kind of stable container in the garbage. But, my mind often lingers on the battle royale idea, wondering what if?