Like a pond of standing water, I am sort of stuck today, unmoving and uninspired. In spite of an overwhelming to-do list, I sit motionless, incapable of staying focused for more than a few moments before getting distracted again.
Today is the first day after the holiday breaks are all over and it is time to get back to whatever it is we were all doing before Thanksgiving. While I don’t really mind putting 2011 to rest, there were a lot of things that were accomplished in that short 365 days that are worth reflecting on for just a moment.
The first is that I managed to study for, take and pass my industry’s examination. The test itself was very difficult, and knowing that I had to pass in order to keep my job, lit a fire under my behind in a way that recalled all the fears I felt in school. Still, the deed is done, and should I stay in my current position, I won’t have to take it again for another 6-9 years.
The second important thing is that I began to enforce boundaries in a very dysfunctional relationship in a big way. And, although I am still coping with the inevitable fall out from that step, I feel stronger and validated by the decision with each passing day. The difficulty in learning to stand up for myself is that I can no longer hide behind my passive tendencies and have to continually maintain the fences I have built to protect myself.
I’ve also gone back into therapy, which most of my IRL friendos can vouch was a long time coming. The need to have another voice on my side, one that has a vested interest in my wellness has been a welcome addition to my attempts to take better care of myself. My next appointment is tomorrow, and I’m very much looking forward to the opportunity to work on myself.
The final, but most important, thing I’ve accomplished in the last year is to pare down my commitments to things I can no longer emotionally contribute to. I ended my extra curricular activities, for the most part, without incident. I’m excited to rekindle the love I once felt for my hobbies, which turned into jobs without much planning and then got lost in the mix. Even just the short few minutes I spent over the weekend snapping photos and thinking about beer and food recipes without worrying about what other people will have to say about it was so freeing.
Going forward today, I’m just going to embrace the rut, trying to use it as an opportunity to observe what’s actually happening around me. The work will and is getting done, but at my own pace. There’s plenty of time.