Today is unfortunately not much better than yesterday. Aside from the mark on the calendar which coincidentally places the holiday over the ongoing dramatics is a quaint curiosity at best. As with any situation like this, and thankfully they are fewer these days, the important thing is to remember why boundaries are set in the first place.
Having boundaries in place is the socially mapped out escape route with rules and penalties for failure to adhere to them. For me, it wasn’t just that one was edged upon accidentally, it was a repeated rapid fire stomping all over as though they never existed. It was done so in such a way that challenged whether I was entitled to have feelings at all, that I was to serve the sole purpose of servitude to the other, and should feel so grateful for the opportunity.
Somewhere along the line, I was able to decipher the truth, and the long, clandestine fear that I would indeed lose it for good, did indeed take place. Like a Greek tragedy, the players so intent on keeping a secret from discovery, are not in the discovery, but in the cover up, finding their own undoing. It is the definition of irony that such methods would be the very sword of Damocles, which are the destructive end.
In retrospect, while the concealed truth was strange and confusing and extremely painful, it was the acts of concealing it that were more painful. To not be trusted with one’s own emotions, for fear of some undefined horrible reaction, in order to keep the peace leaves its mark. Without the appropriate timing to emote as one should expect to, one has a now jilted timing for everything and an awkwardness in situations that just gets worse over time.
This weekend’s histrionics, which are not the thing that is happening, but the way that they are treated and reacted to. They are the set of parameters by which a new set of obligations, expectations and judgments can and will occur. I have been found wanting, by nearly any set of standards using this lens. However, I remain silent. I did not engage, pushing hard up against the set boundaries, testing exactly how strong their resolve must be to stand up.