Pretty much anyone you talk to feels they are far better drivers than most others, which if you are actually out there on the road today, is in an impossibility. Which leads me to think that a) most people are self-delusional idiots and b) they have no idea what constitutes a bad driver. While you lovely blog readers (all 11 of you) have been lucky enough to read my rants about bad drivers, I decided to outline a few of the more egregious offenses in the finer points of driving. (Please note that “guy” is used in a non-gender specific term, as in “hey guys!” as opposed to “hey ladies and gentlemen.” We’re not after which gender is the worst, because frankly there’s plenty of blame to go around.)

Obnoxious political/religious bumper sticker guy

We’ll start with the most common offender in the “That Guy” category. You know this one well, from the decals decrying the “Socialist State of Obama bin Biden” to the “It’s not a choice, it’s a child (insert adorable baby pic here)” and of course not excluding the nearly covered various tiny print environmental/vegan/pacifist bumper sticker quilts or the “you’re definitely going to burn in hell” religious types, these are the jerks who just can’t wait to share their opinion with you and everyone else. Disregarding their vehicles resale value in the hopes that their bumper sticker politics might change your opinion, these folks love to idle around at busy intersections knowing that everyone is inching forward to get a better look at their vehicular tramp stamps.

I could honestly care less what your personal politics are. If you think anyone is going to be swayed from their long held beliefs because of a few words on the back of a car, you’re going to be sadly disappointed. Besides, even if someone is convinced based on the 2 seconds it took to read a bumper sticker, you’re likely to lose them again just as quickly when they get stuck behind that 18-wheeler upon which someone has lovingly handwritten “Wash me!”

Rather, what you’re actually doing is ensuring that no one is going to want to ride in your vehicle, or buy it when you’re done with it for that matter, and are far more likely to be rear-ended either because of your obnoxious world-view or because of other idiots creeping ever closer to the back of your car to read them all.

Takes up two parking spaces guy

This is the mark of the ultimate self-absorbed douche. How many mornings or Christmas eve’s have I been the victim of this scumbag decoy. Oh, my mind shrieks in joy, seeing from afar what must be an open spot, I can’t believe those other suckers didn’t notice this! I win! And, as I get ever closer, my heart sinks because this vehicle has clearly crossed over the line into two spaces and there’s no way my vehicle will fit. A wave of disappointment ebbs and the rising tide of parking lot rage begins to flow in its place.

There are two reasons why this could occur. First, is plain and simple douchebaggery in its purist form. Cool guy decides that his modified Honda CRX is far too valuable to let anyone’s car door accidentally ding his precious baby. How can this guy ensure that he can buy his whippets and axe body spray in relative peace without constantly worrying about his vehicle? A black-lightbulb goes on over his intentionally askew fitted ballcap. Take up two spaces and then no one can park next to me! A gaggle of bros erupts in fist bumping in delight as this new method of self-centered asshattery has taken hold in the social dynamic, and has now become as fundamental as oversized spoilers and those modified mufflers.

The second reason is just as self-centered. Good, old fashioned negligence is just as bad as the intentional overlap. Most people either can’t park, don’t care enough to check or simply are unaware that their giant SUV is a lot more difficult to navigate than their ego would like to admit. It isn’t that difficult to open the door and make sure you’re within the lines before shutting off the car. No one’s going to judge you if you take a few extra seconds to ensure that the other cars around you can use the adjacent spaces. Failure to do so puts you in the same category as the intentional asshats. You don’t want to be like those guys, do you?

Rapid non-signaling lane changer guy

Very similar to the intention two-parking-space guy, is the rapid non-signaling lane changer guy. These types tend to overlap, but because I can never keep up with them, I have no idea how they park. As a person who commutes on both highways and more residential streets on their way to work, I come across this portrait of impatience on a regular basis. You all have seen him, and if you’re lucky enough, have had the opportunity to box him in to his ever growing frustration.

Hey, Rapid non-signaling lane changer guy! Do you not know that this style of driving is the kind of thing that actually slows down traffic and ruins anyone’s chance of getting to their destination on time, including yours? Traffic studies have shown that when someone is behaving negligently on the road, surrounding cars will slow down and operate more cautiously. Rightly so, because this kind of behavior will inevitably end up causing an accident. People aren’t stupid, and rather than take what I assume is this douche’s message (to speed up), the tend to go even slower to make sure this idiot doesn’t cause damage to their own car. This isn’t NASCAR, and you’re not Jeff Gordon.

Backs into a parking space guy

I ran into this guy today, actually. This is the ultimate in “Your time is far less valuable than my convenience later” behavior. Whether backing into a driveway on a busy street in the middle of the day or intentionally blocking someone’s driver side door while you back into the adjacent space, you suck. Boy do you suck. This morning’s offender took the space next to my car, immediately after I pulled into the space. And when I say took, I mean, spent 4 tries backing in and pulling out, knowing full well that I was waiting to exit my vehicle. Did you want an audience? There were at least half a dozen others open that were far closer, but no, you had to take that one. (I might add that it was a white new model Cadillac with tinted windows, even in the driver’s side, which I thought wasn’t allowed.)

If you’re going to back into a space, do it right. Know your vehicle well enough that you can accomplish this in 1-2 tries. If you don’t get it right on the first try and you have clearly boxed in another driver who is waiting to get out of their own vehicle, let them get out first before you go through your tortuous settling in process. Because, honestly, it was all I could do not to smack the side of your car with my door on the way out.

Ludicrously loud bass/music guy

This guy is super special. He has the BEST taste in music and everyone needs to know about it. He also has spent all of his cash on this ridiculously loud music system and considers it a gift not only to his own gigantic balls, but wishes to share his gift (much like his herpes) with anyone within a five mile radius. Ladies sure love it when they are trying to listen to an important news story on the radio and are suddenly unable because of mystery bass emitting from somewhere around them. Guys are just in awe when their music (played at a reasonable volume) is suddenly drowned out by the inane thumping of your latest cool jam. Better yet, why not roll down the window so everyone can see you. Otherwise you tinted windows would prevent the adoring public from being able to find their hero and lifting him and his gigantic balls on high. And, although he probably won’t be able to hear the praise, being deaf and all, the smiles and inevitable lays that will ensue are worth it in the end.

15 miles under the speed limit in the passing lane guy

Last but not least on our list is the 15 miles under the speed limit in the passing lane guy. This one breaks down into two categories. First is the traffic law oblivious driver, who has no idea that you can’t drive in the passing lane unless you’re passing or driving the speed limit. This one may be an out of state driver who may never have seen a road with two lanes in the same direction before. Why are all these cars speeding past me on the right, he wonders, and what’s with all the flashing headlights and honking? But then Rush Limbaugh gets back  from commercial and tells him about how he’s entitled to his side of the road, irrespective of which side he decides to take it.

The second type is the intentional slow driver in the fast lane guy. Not sure his M.O., but I figure it’s either a one-man crusade to reduce traffic speeds by not allowing people to pass safely, or it’s the thumb in the eye to every driver after running into the rapidly changing lanes guy one too many times. He’s had enough, and he’s not going to take it anymore! Everyone’s going to pay for it now. You’ll all be late for work and there’s nothing you can do about it! Bwa-ha-ha!!! My evil plan is a success!

At any rate, these people all suck in their own special way. I’ve added a poll for you to vote, friendo. Also, if there’s a special driver that I’ve omitted, please choose other and tell us in the comments section. 🙂