Foto Friday – Abandoned Office

Tags

, , ,

Happy Foto Friday everyone! Today, we continue our new series. I took these photos when I first started my current job. We used to be housed in a very old building, which is where unpopular departments go to die. Eventually, the old building was to be torn down. Only our half was being maintained at that point. Before the demolition crew was to arrive, my boss gave me the okay to go into the unmaintained half to see what was over there. I brought my camera and got this photo (among the rest of the series). Enjoy!

I can do this

Tags

, , ,

So, we leave for vacation soon. There’s still so much to do, and honestly my motivation has been waning hard. I’m often caught in moments of near total paralysis when I realize how little time is left. (Note to self: stop looking at the travel app which counts down the days for you!) But, whether I’m ready or not, in a few days time, I’ll be on a plane and everything will fall into place. Or it won’t. And either way, I won’t have any control over it.

I like to travel, don’t get me wrong. But travel has taken a different form for me since my son was born. This is a trip where he can’t come, so my husband’s family will be watching him for us. I worry, but he’s resilient and will be fine. I hope. I’m going to miss him, I know. And the pangs of guilt for leaving him will be hard to get over, in spite of being in the City of Light.

I’m stressed, but I feel dumb asking people to feel bad for me. Because I’m going on such an amazing, once-in-a-lifetime experience, people seem to let on that I have no reason to complain. I’d gladly trade the time for a week home with my son and husband, though. I could care less about a city I’d never choose as a destination, mostly because I can’t speak a lick of french and Paris is hella expensive. Instead, I sit quietly, muttering over and over to myself that “I can do this.”

Creature of habit

Tags

, , ,

 

We’re about to go on vacation. These are the moments in my life when I become acutely aware of how weird I am. Most people are like, “Yay! A vacation! Can’t wait!” because they’re normal and well-adjusted and don’t mind their carefully crafted routine being interrupted for the sake of seeing the world outside of their door. And yeah, all that stuff is neat, I guess. But I’m also very reliant on my routine for maintaining my (illusion of) mental health. Leaving for a trip on a whim is something I used to be able to do, but since my son was born, travel has a very different meaning.

As fun as the trip will be, there’s so much planning needed to make it successful. In the age of the internet, I’m able to research my destination, find reviews, and locales that interest me, plotting everything out in my handy-dandy notebook. Of course, I’m flexible too, and if something kickass comes along, I’ll probably ditch the scheduled stuff for the adventure.

But, when it’s all over, it will be things from home that make me happy. Things like this:

DSC_0219

(I took this w/ my new camera lens. So awesome!)

 

The mugs only fit if we put the littles on the bigs, and stack them “just so” in the cabinet. And yeah, the outside world is neat, but this is the comfort that keeps me coming home. When I come back from my trip, I’ll know that I’m home, seeing these site, knowing my first cup of coffee made exactly the way I want it is only moments away.

Foto Friday – Abandoned Office

Tags

, , ,

Happy Foto Friday everyone! Today, we continue our new series. I took these photos when I first started my current job. We used to be housed in a very old building, which is where unpopular departments go to die. Eventually, the old building was to be torn down. Only our half was being maintained at that point. Before the demolition crew was to arrive, my boss gave me the okay to go into the unmaintained half to see what was over there. I brought my camera and got this photo (among the rest of the series). Enjoy!

On gratitude

Tags

, ,

As much as I have been posting sad things lately, I must confess that there is a great deal for me to be happy about. Though this blog is a forum for my thoughts, I tend more to brood than bask in the truly good things that coincide with the heart-breaking.

I am meditating more and more on the subject of gratitude, because although there have been some depressing developments, each one is countered by truly wonderful and genuine people. And for each one I am grateful.

In my family of origin, love is conditional, affections calculated, and withheld accordingly. In the family of my choosing, though, there is none of that. If you are reading this, you’re likely one of the latter, and you mean so much.

The Enabler

Tags

, , , , , , , , ,

At the dentist, they regard me in a way I am not accustomed. Because of my pre-disposed fear and anxiety, coupled with the aversion to pain, the methods necessary for me to endure the necessary procedures put me in an uncomfortable position. It is one I have had plenty of exposure to, but rarely the chance to experience.

I grew up as the enabler to an addict, my alcoholic mother barked loud and often for me to fill her wine glass each night after dinner until she could no longer stand. Soon, she would splay across the couch, camped in front of the television, puffing away on Misti ultra light cigarettes until she faded into unconsciousness. When I no longer needed to fill the green dimpled glass with ice and cheap jug wine, I would linger to make sure the lit cigarettes found their way into the ashtray, and not smolder into the couch cushions. When she began to snore, I would shake her and send her off to bed. Sometimes she would go, sometimes she wouldn’t. The times she wouldn’t were filled with drunken rants, awkward cornering, and uncomfortable glaring silences.

Being the sober person in an addicted relationship is damaging in so many ways. Without benefit of blackouts, I could easily recall my mother’s behavior the next morning, while she had the luxury not to. I learned early on that I couldn’t count on her the way my friends could rely on their mothers. I always had to find rides home, since my mother would be shit-faced by 7:00. I couldn’t talk about the bullies at school, the boys that I liked, or the callous teachers, because she would only slur her words and call them “maggots” or “small town hicks.” Instead, I would tend to her emotional wounds, the men who disrespected her, the women who gossiped about her, the failings of our small town, as I filled the glass again and again.

At the dentist, I see the glimmer of my childhood self in the pitiful smiles as they ask if I would like to be numbed, if I wanted nitrous oxide, if I needed my Xanax. The same cautious, care taking tones I used to speak myself fill my heart with shame as I sheepishly accept. I lay back, plug into my headphones and try to relax. I feel weak for needing it, but know deep down the necessity of it all.

“It’s for your benefit, too,” I try to explain, but the words have no meaning. They just nod politely, and tell me to “float away” as I breathe in the careful mixture of oxygen and laughing gas. And, I try, but the nagging remains, that I need this, my crutch is part of my programming. I do not know how else to cope. And in that sad, sulking moment, I understand her. Though her crutch was needed to cope with the pain felt throughout the entirety of her existence, mine is only needed because I’m scared of the pain at the dentist. Mine ends when the novacaine wears off, but hers is everything. I pity her, but am not able to forgive it.

It is my damage, too. My distorted understanding of human needs, the inability to put my own needs first, the default switch to self sacrifice by obligation, the constant draw to self-destructive tendencies and people. And, because I was the conscious one, and she was not, my estrangement, my complaints of abuse, neglect, and disparity will never be recognized. Now, she fills her own glass, and mutters about my ingratitude under her breath, tendrils of smoke escaping her snarled lips.

Foto Friday – Abandoned Office

Tags

, ,

Happy Foto Friday everyone! Today, we continue our new series. I took these photos when I first started my current job. We used to be housed in a very old building, which is where unpopular departments go to die. Eventually, the old building was to be torn down. Only our half was being maintained at that point. Before the demolition crew was to arrive, my boss gave me the okay to go into the unmaintained half to see what was over there. I brought my camera and got this photo (among the rest of the series). Enjoy!

Aerials (no, not the Little Mermaid kind)

Tags

, ,

Since I’ve had my son, I’ve been trying to be more adventurous. Partly because I need to find ways to keep myself active, but I’ve come to realize that I can be incredibly boring, and who wants that? Nobody. That’s who. So, I’ve been doing fun stuff with my free time, mostly activities I’ve found on Living Social and other daily deal sites. We did pretty well with some family stuff, tickets to an ice cream festival and a children’s museum. I also saw a deal for an introductory “aerials” class.

What are “aerials?” you may ask? Well, it’s exactly not dressing up as the little mermaid, as I would come to find out. It is, instead, an introduction to the “circus arts,” believe it or not. For $12, I was able to score an hour-long introduction to the trapeze, hoop and silks, the kind of stuff you see in Cirque de Soleil and the like.

I arrived a bit early, watching another class finish up and changed from my work clothes into my workout gear. The website was pretty specific on no baggy clothes, so I was a bit intimidated by being around what I imagined would be lithe, super fit gymnast types. However, as the other people for my class arrived, there was a general trepidation we all shared, and my friend who I’d conned into joining me arrived, and all was right with the universe.

The class broke into three groups, and my friend and I started out on the trapeze. The skills were not unlike those you’d use on the playground when you were a kid, pulling myself up onto the bar, steadying myself, and doing the poses the instructor showed us. It was challenging, but fun, and before long I was sweating and breathing hard, but also laughing. This is why we were so skinny as kids, I remembered.

We moved on to the hoop, learning moves called “Delilah” and “The Man in the Moon.” The hoop was more challenging, but also really fun, and soon my hands were red and shaking from all the heavy lifting. The instructors were kind, supportive and really laid back. The encouragement was great and they were very patient as we tried to take photos of ourselves in ridiculous poses.

The last stage was the silks, long strands of fabric fixed to the ceiling. The tricks were even harder, and by then I was exhausted. I wasn’t able to do them as well as the others, so I’m hoping to get another opportunity when they open up for workshop series later this summer. The photographic evidence wasn’t as lovely as I’d hoped, so much awkwardness crammed into one frame. The images show me laughing, in spite of the awkward poses, not quite getting it down, but still pretty cool for a first timer.

All the feels

Tags

, , , , , ,

I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed. The inherent manifestation of my looming deadlines and commitments has culminated in a controlled chaos, barely contained by the societal expectations of pleasantries and basic grooming. Mostly, I’m brooding over the myriad things I have to do, but don’t want to.

Today, we’re battling some technical support issues that have brought our workflow to a standstill. My colleagues, left without anything to keep them busy, have taken to engaging in conversations that I could really have done without. One spent a good 30 minutes describing her ongoing foot fungus issues in great detail. Another regaled me with extensive discussions of potty training her grandchild. Finally, I think I was the subject of a prank in receiving one of the dumbest questions I’ve encountered, one that must have been asked in jest, because if this is what people are really doing out there, I’m just gonna clock out now and go home forever.

What I’d rather be focusing on, instead, is getting prepared for our upcoming travel plans, making preparations for the care of my son while we’re overseas, and planning all the fun things we’ll do. But, the chaos and general idiocy of the universe is paralyzing, being pulled into the depths with zero fucks given to remedy the situation, watching my world collapse on itself like a dying star.

Star meets black hole. Black hole wins. The quintessential beautiful disaster. All my feels today, in one gif.

Foto Friday – Abandoned Office

Tags

, , ,

Happy Foto Friday everyone! Today, we continue our new series. I took these photos when I first started my current job. We used to be housed in a very old building, which is where unpopular departments go to die. Eventually, the old building was to be torn down. Only our half was being maintained at that point. Before the demolition crew was to arrive, my boss gave me the okay to go into the unmaintained half to see what was over there. I brought my camera and got this photo (among the rest of the series). Enjoy!

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 154 other followers